The Missing BartholoMew-Mew
by Any-Clan
Summary: pre-a la mode crackfic. Bartholomew 'Basil' Gold thought that today would be normal, because yesterday's the same as the day before. Now his days are aligned with an alien and a pink haired girl. Based off the Cornell notes for English class. Yeah. Rating might possibly change, I don't know. (Chapter 2 is up and unproductive!)
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, so my friend and I were taking Cornell notes on this dead captain named 'Bartholomew Gosnold' and Alex's decided to say, "Bartholomew-mew. Yes I went there." And so this was born! And how I got the name Gold is from GOsnoLD. Bartholomew means 'son of Talmai' or 'son of the hill'. I know that's not a food name so I'll just dub him Bartholomew 'Basil' Gold. Just to make my typing life easier, because I hate typing our long names, especially for important characters. They get the short names like Basil or Feli. And speaking of Northern Italy, yes, I know I should be working on my other story. But this is for a friend, okay two, and needs to be done. So please remember that this is a pre-A La Mode crack-fic. Enjoy. Comments (constructive or otherwise) are appreciated. **

"AAAAAHHHHH! I'm so totally going to be late!" Ichigo Momomiya yelled out as she ran with cat-speed. Due to her late release from school, her teachers were lecturing her again on not falling asleep in class, the pink mew was 15 to 20 minutes late, depending on traffic.

"Ryou is so, so, soooo going to kill me!" Again she cried out as she sped off to a bright pink and creamy white café known as Café Mew Mew. As she ran down the street she zipped right past a boy with bronze hair that was longer, but not too long, and delicate features. Bright hazel eyes that were large yet small and a gentle smile worked together on this tall boy. The name of this boy is Bartholomew Gold, also known as Basil.

Ichigo continued to run when the malicious voice of an extra-terrestrial hissed through the air at breakneck speed, aided by the power of the alien's passionate love for the pink haired girl. The voice belonged to Kissu the Cyniclon from the planet Cyniclonia. I think.

"And where do you think you're going, Kitty-cat?" He asked while floating in the air, a strange blob in his hand.

"Kissu! What are you doing here?!" Ichigo cried, getting her pendant ready.

"I'm just here to see that you get to work, honey," Kissu said, igniting the chimera animal and sending it to the ground. Unfortunately, what he chose to power his creation was not his own energy, but the energy of Basil.

Citizens shrieked at the sight of a giant mutant…thing. Just imagine the worst, because it's not going to matter in a second. Ichigo took her pendant and began to change into Mew Ichigo, the Irimotote Wildcat leader of the team Tokyo Mew Mew.

"RIBBON STRAWBERRY CHECK!" She cried, hitting the monster with her heart-shaped bell weapon that I have no idea how it works. Or why the attack is 'ribbon (the hell does it have to do with ribbons?) strawberry check (don't understand why there's check either, that just doesn't make sense)'.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Basil cried, his body free from the horrors of the chimera animal's power and soul-sucking force.

"Curses! Foiled again!" Kissu said, teleporting away from the scene of his crime, leaving Mew Ichigo to help the fallen boy.

"Are you alright?" She asked him, as he got up with her help.

"Y-yeah. I think so," Basil said, staring at the cat-eared 12 year old, who was blurred since his head was spinning and his eyes were out of focus.

"Here, let me take you to my friend. He'll be sure that Kissu didn't do anything funny to you," Mew Ichigo said to Basil, picking him up and jump-flying away to the back of Café Mew Mew. When the two got there Akasaka was out back taking out the trash. He punched the last of the ninjas from the ninth dimension, and turned to the Mew Mew and the cimera victim.

"Oh no, we better get him inside." He said, worry drawing strange pictures on his face. They hurried to the lab in the basement with Ryou telling Keiichiro to hurry up with fixing that loud banging and whooping noise.

"Ichigo, what happened?" Akasaka asked the cat-girl who was lying Basil down on a lab table.

"I was late to work because I got let out of school late, and while I was running Kissu showed up and…hey! Just a moment! I just realized something!" Ichigo the Mew Mew leader said.

"W-what is it?" Basil sputtered, picking his head up dazedly looking at her.

"Ohmigosh! I just realized that Kissu never kissed me during that entire fight of only 2 seconds!" Mew Strawberry said, though weather she was happy about that or not, the world will never know.

"P-please continue," Akasaka said in a deflated voice.

'Of all the things to think about…she has to think about that!' He thought.

"Yes, so Kissu showed up and attacked with a cimera animal fueled with his spirit!" She finished pointing at Basil.

"I'll take care of him. You just get back to work," Akasaka said to the preteen girl who was in the process of changing back into normal Ichigo Momomiya.

"Allrighty then!" Ichigo cheerily said as she skipped up to the eatery and began to get yelled at by Ryou.

"Oh, and Ichigo?" Akasaka called out to her.

"Keiichiro, was she with you?" Ryou asked his older friend in an angry voice.

"Yes, Ryou, she was." Akasaka said with a pleasant smile. That boy did entertain him.

"You two may finish up then," Shirogane said, walking away towards a loud noise and frantic apologies and na no da's of the café staff.

"What was it that you wanted to say to me Akasaka-san?" Ichigo asked the young adult.

"Please don't tell Ryou that I was fighting ninjas from the ninth dimension. He thinks I haven't done that in years."

* * *

*late at night*

There was a light green glow emanating from the café known as Café Mew Mew. A sudden, sharp scream was heard and then stopped.

"Houston…we have a problem."

**Tadaaaa! I promise this will get better and the AN's will be shorter. I also don't write a lot per chapter, so yeah…. And please forgive my crappy attempts to be humorous. This chapter also contains a few inside jokes from choir (so only people in choir at my school would get it) Azumanga Daioh (the Irimotote cat instead of the Iriomote cat) and to some extent Tokyo Mew Mew in a Nutshell (love that abridged series by HikaYagami). Sorry. I don't own TMM (in a nutshell or otherwise), Azumanga Daioh, but I COULD own the 'you must pay the rent' thing if I really wanted to. Which, that Grandpa Rome (oh! Don't own Hetalia either), I don't. That things just damn weird. Ah, Fanchasaurus, how we do hate/suck up to you so. **

**Also possible parings are as of this first chapter: KissuxIchigo, AoyamaxIcigo, PaixLettuce, TarutoxPudding, and maybe something else that I feel bizarre thinking of, because I've never read it before and I probably won't go…no WILL go with it. Okay, then, some small KeiichiroxShirogane. Yeah, I so totally call that. But we won't really be focusing on any romance at all, so sorry to burst your delusional bubble. **

**Please, feel free to type in and send me a (hopefully constructive, though I really don't care for them) comment. **


	2. Chapter 2

**This is so late! I'm so sorry. I try and update every three days, but, sometimes you just don't feel like writing. Please remember that this is a poorly written crack-fic. Yeah, I suck. *exploded* So then, on with the show! **

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" A young man known as Basil Gold screamed at the top of his lungs. His body hurt all over…well almost all over. He couldn't feel any pain in his man-regions.

"Houston, we have a problem." Basil heard a man, he believed it was Akasaka, say.

Basil cracked open one of his eyes. The lab room he was in had a bizarre green tint to it, and he prayed that it had nothing to do with the lack of feeling that was slowly overtaking his whole body.

"Keiichiro! What happened?!" Ryou called to his older friend.

"Well, earlier Ichigo had brought this boy here saying that he had been turned into a Chimera Animal by Kisshu and wanted me to double check that he was fine. Unfortunately, there was a glitch in the computer and he has now been injected, in the most painful way possible, with Red Data Animal DNA," Akasaka said.

Ryou stared at his good friend, dumbfounded. How many Red Data Animals were in there?

"Wait…" a very groggy and confused Basil asked, "what?"

"Eh…well…um…"Ryou fumbled for the right words to say to the confused tween. Then he decided that it'd be best to try and tell him in the morning, "This is all just a dream."

_The Next Morning _

Ichigo ran to school, hoping to see Aoyama at his Kendo practice. Oh, Aoyama-kun. Just thinking about him made the odd little bubbles pop up around her as she blushed. Just then, her cell buzzed.

'It's Ryou.' She thought. 'I wonder what he wants.'

The text had ordered her to be at the Café within the next two paragraphs, so I'll cut to the chase and put her there. Right after she fights Taruto.

"Hey! Old Hag! Where do YOU think you're going?" Taruto yelled at Ichigo.

"Now what?" Ichigo exclaimed, grabbing her pendant.

"I keel you!" Taruto cried using a jumbo pen to set fire to the rain that magically began to fall.

Ichigo just stared. She sighed and transformed.

"MEW MEW STRABERRY METOMOPHO *breath* SIS!" She cried.

"I HATE YOU!" Tart screamed at the Mew and then teleported away.

"Wait…what?" Mew Ichigo asked herself. Her cell buzzed with another text, this one pointing out that she was late. The strawberry-girl sighed as she changed back into Momomiya Ichigo and began to run and run as fast as she could.

"Ichigo! You're late!" Ryou yelled at Ichigo.

"I know that!" She told him defiantly.

"Why?" The rich high-schooler asked in a tone that stated his opinion of 'I'm talking to a first-grader!'.

"I was attacked by Taruto," Ichigo said, walking over to the dressing room.

"Ah, Miss Ichigo, I'm glad you're here," a very apologetic Akasaka said to her.

"What's wrong, Akasaka-san?" Ichigo asked him, worried about the kind man.

"Well…it seems that the young man you brought in yesterday…he has turned into a Mew," Keiichiro quietly said, dipping his head in shame. Ichigo went silent. ANOTHER Red Data Animal injection? Geez, how many endangered species were out there?

"KYAAAAAA!" a high-pitched and girly scream emanated from the lab. Everyone paled.

"Uh…are you ok…?" Ichigo called to Basil.

"Princess Kate? Is that you?" Basil called out for the Princess in a dreamy voice.

"Don't you mean Princess Peach?" an almost unfamiliar voice crackled into his ear. But while that was happening, everyone else came running in, and all at the same time!

"Ohmigosh! Are you alright!"

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean for this to happen!"

"Finally! Some more testosterone in those maid outfits!"

Everyone's statements fought their way over each other while the speakers all hurried over to the new-Mew.

"What time is it?" Basil asked, picking his head up off the table.

"It's…"Ichigo began, before she screamed, "I'M LATE FOR SCHOOL!"

She ran out as Masha flew out of her pocket and began to chirp "Ichigo! Ichigo! Alien! Alien!". Unfortunately, he was ignored. He was even stepped on.

"I'm so sorry," Akasaka apologized. Basil looked at him.

"For what?" He asked, his mild manner taking over the grogg.

"Turning you into Mew Basil." Keiichiro said, depressed about the mix-up.

"Ow, hang on, what?" The Mew-Mew asked sitting up and adjusting himself so he was no longer sitting on whatever man thing he was sitting on.

"Look at your butt," Ryou demanded. He received the 'O.o' face.

"What?"

"I said, look at your butt!"

"Uh…okay, then…"Basil complied, looking over his shoulder. He saw that he had a tail and promptly passed out.

**Oh my freaking…I'm done! So now for the disclaimer/reference clearer. Tart's "I keel you!" bit was from some skeleton puppet comedy thing, and the setting fire to the rain is an Adele song, I believe. Princess Kate is married to Prince William (we wasted a good chunk of French class discussing him and his appearance. Then Kate's pregnancy. BTW, congrats Princess!), and Princess Peach is dating Mario. I hope to make R2000 getting stepped on a running gag. Constructive ideas always helpful, but usually painful. **


End file.
